Many of my clients are searching for purpose and meaning in their lives – can you relate?
A lot of us are using the disruption of this year to reflect and reevaluate.
My approach is not the conventional one:
I won't give you an MBTI, Strengths Assessment or the like
I won't talk about finding your Ikigai
I won't help you job search, review your resume or write a cover letter
Personality assessments and strengths finders only go so far if you don't feel connected and confident inside.
My experience with career counseling at Stanford and Google felt like being pushed to skip from A (not knowing wtf I liked and cared about) to Z (totally confident applying for jobs) without the support to hold me in the journey.
That's why my approach is different – confidence first, purpose second
I trust that you and you alone hold the vision for your purpose in life and it will become clearer the more you trust yourself
I help you tap into the wise, intuitive parts of you that know...
One of my brilliant clients shared in our last session that as her responsibility and influence increases in the world, the more support she needs.
We often think it's the opposite – that the more responsible, mature and evolved we become, the less support we should need but that is sooo not true.
As my business expands and I'm on-track to sell out my 1:1 coaching (get on my schedule if you've been thinking about it ;) the more support I get myself.
I have my own 1:1 coach, group coaching program, and several online courses I'm involved in at any given time so I can feel at my best for my current clients, my loved ones and feel that I'm continuing to grow.
So I ask you, how would it feel to give yourself the support you need to grow right now?
What stories or beliefs are you telling yourself that make it hard to do that? Here are some of my faves:
A little birdie told me you're struggling to make the space and do the things you need to do to feel at your best.
In my last post, I shared a super common reason why women struggle with this (read it here) and now I want to share what to do after you feel like you've failed yourself.
Here's what you do:
You let go and try again
K, let's flesh it out a bit
Don't make it mean you're a failure
Don't make it mean you never finish things
Don't make it mean you'll never succeed
Put it this way – you don't make it mean anything about you whatsoever – got it?
Whatever happened is in the past and it really doesn't matter
Here's what matters:
Do you want this?
Is it important to you?
Does it matter to you deep down that you do this for yourself?
Yes? GREAT. That's the only thing that matters.
Cause women are freaking powerful and I have no doubt that you can make it happen if you really truly believe it's important.
Now summon your innate strength, make the...
If you're anything like the women I work with, you have BIG dreams but struggle when it comes time to prioritize yourself and follow through.
You've finally gotten to a point in life where you've dialed in the things that make you feel at your best – let's take a sec to celebrate that, k!?
You know you feel good when you meditate, move and eat good food, but it's a struggle to actually make it happen.
Why the disconnect?
Here's the tea
There's a part of you that knows when you prioritize yourself and feel at your best, you shine like THE FREAKING SUN and are capable of anything you put your mind to.
Sounds awesome right? IT IS.
And it's TERRIFYING to the part of you that thinks if you become the best version of yourself, you will outshine someone you love.
If you outshine your partner, parent or best friend, you might not belong.
The fear of not belonging is a DEEP evolutionary fear that translates in our primal brain to the fear of DEATH.
So what does that part of you do?
Do you find yourself stuck in the trap of trying to figure out how to get the perfect job, the perfect house, the perfect love and the perfect life? Trusting that once you do, then you'll be happy.
Yeah, me too.
Many of us high-achievers spend ungodly amounts of time planning, scheduling, and trying to control our lives, bodies, careers, and love lives.
The truth is there is no future reality where you are perfect, have everything figured out and get all the things you want. Sorry, babe.
Consider this your official permission slip to stop obsessing over your schedule, perfecting your diet and trying to control your life to get to this mythical future reality – because – It. Does. Not. Exist.
Instead, focus on what is possible today.
Repeat after me:
Perfect does not exist
There is only now
I get to choose how I feel
I get to choose how I act
Here's a simple process to start living in the present and release your inner perfectionist:
1 What is my vision for my life?...
When was the last time you can remember feeling truly confident?
Paint the picture – where were you? what were you doing? what were you wearing? how did you feel?
It doesn't matter if it was last week or last decade, if you can remember a time when you felt truly in your power, comfortable in your own skin and in charge, you know what I mean when I say...
When you feel confident from the inside out, not because of praise or awards, something clicks inside
You feel more powerful than you've ever felt
You feel more free than you've ever felt
You feel more capable than you've ever felt
And you don't just feel this way, you actually are more powerful, free and capable when you deeply believe in and know your own strength!
When you feel confident from the inside out, you no longer have to play the game to work hard to get praise and get stuck in that cycle that sucks your soul and leaves you burnt out.
...but don't get me wrong, you *can* play the game, and you'll be a rockstar at...
I was asking myself this question after coaching amazing women this week who are killer bosses, tech leaders and rockstar moms but underneath they don't feel confident.
Why is it that the most successful among us are the least confident? Here's my take:
Every time you get accepted to a prestigious program or land the next promotion you get a quick confidence boost, but you end up feeling deflated when you find yourself at this next level surrounded by even more brilliant and successful people.
You start thinking: Who am I to be in this group? Am I worthy of this honor? Do I actually deserve to be here? And the unmistakable icky feeling of impostor syndrome sets in.
So what do you do? You work for the next quick hit of confidence!
You kill the next project, earn the gold star and get the recognition you crave to put your impostor syndrome at bay. But you know what happens next, don't you?
You end up right back where you were after that confidence boost wears off, still like an...
You're the big dreamer, the money maker, the mover and shaker. You're the cook, the cleaner, the teacher and the babysitter. You're the caregiver, the guide, the shoulder to lean on. And guess what?
You're burned the f out, spent, drained, lights gone out, going through the motions but your energy isn't in it.
But do you know what else I see?
Just under the surface, longing to be seen is the part of you that's infinitely powerful
The part of you that is VITAL and alive, even with the huge weight of stress and responsibility on you
The part of you that is WHOLE and perfect even with all the ways you feel broken and deficient
The part of you that is fiercely CONFIDENT even with all the self-doubt and criticism
The part of you that KNOWS exactly what you need to do to get what you want, even with all the confusion
Once you make space to connect with and empower THAT part of you, things will change in your life and there's no more effective way than in a dedicated 1:1...
Throughout my life, I've always felt like I've had to keep working, keep moving, keep doing one more thing. But that's also made it a struggle to chill the f out and enjoy my life.
Does this sound familiar? If so, this is for you!
You're driven, you're passionate and you want to do an excellent job at whatever you take on.
These are all amazing qualities, but you've probably already learned that they also make you waaay more likely to burnout.
Here's where your secret weapon comes in.
When you consciously choose to connect to yourself in a pleasurable way, you encode the message that you deserve to feel good.
When you continue to show-up and choose pleasure, you learn to prioritize yourself over all the other things that lead you to burnout, like over-achieving and over-giving.
You learn to put yourself first over all the other things you've been taught to prioritize.
Which means you can continue kicking ass and taking names, while sustaining your own energy.
Women are powerful and dangerous to the powers that be when connected to their bodies and erotic nature.
This is why my work is rooted in the body and dedicated to unwinding pernicious patriarchal patterns that lead us to perpetuate systems of oppression.
The same patterns that lead us to burn out are actually manifestations of white supremacy culture – more on that later this week!
As we continue to show up for change in our world, I cannot stress enough the importance of making space to 1) chill and rest and 2) actually feel pleasure and joy.
Choosing pleasure when everything else indicates you shouldn't – combined with taking action, of course – is the ultimate radical act, for all women but particularly for black and queer women whose identities intersect in increased layers of oppression. This is the origin of "intersectionality."
Audre Lorde, black lesbian activist and poet pictured below, wrote the essay Uses of the Erotic which was a big inspiration for me...