A lot of women end up working with me after feeling burnt out trying to make it as a woman in a man’s world.
Undervalued and overworked. Lacking role models for how to be a successful working woman, balancing a family and social life while being a whole person getting her needs and desires met.
In the west, the concept of the ideal woman we’re shown is the consummate caretaker.
She’s the one who intuits everyone else's needs, but her own. She cooks for her family, cleans up after her family, or if she doesn’t have a family she erodes her boundaries and erases herself in other ways.
Maybe she’s in a service based job like teaching or nursing that reinforces that her value resides in taking care of others and not having needs herself.
Cue the image of those tombstones that read only: Loving Wife and Mother
The women I know want SO. MUCH. MORE.
They’re sick of feeling like they don’t matter, they’re sick of denying their own needs and...
Wanna guess the biggest problem I see in my coaching clients?
It’s looking outside of themselves for the answers rather than trusting they have the answers inside
The problem lies not in your ability to know what you want but in the ways you keep yourself busy, distracted, and unable to listen deeply.
For many years I ran away and hid from the truth inside me that knew what I wanted and knew what I was meant to do.
I kept myself busy chasing the next achievement, whether that was the next triathlon or work award.
I kept my schedule so full I never had time to actually slow down enough to really know how I was doing.
I was more closely acquainted with my doubt, criticism and fear than I was with my deep empowered truth.
I did all of these things because I was terrified of admitting that I actually *did* know what I wanted.
Because then I would actually be responsible for making it happen or being disappointed with my life
One of the tools that’s hugely helped me...
I’m stepping out of a new box right now and letting my true self and mission in the world be seen more. There are so many boxes I’ve stepped out of in my life: perfectionist, people pleaser, overachiever, emotional caretaker, and corporate employee to name a few.
Each time I’ve dared to step out of a new box, it’s felt incredibly terrifying, as if the fear could actually kill me, not just paralyze me. You see I’m a security oriented person, so I freaking get how scary it is to make these big life changes.
If you’re familiar with the Enneagram, I’m a self preservation type. I orient to safety and material resources to help me feel safe and stable. Inevitably, stepping out of a box brings up all these fears — will I be able to survive this! What will it be like on the other side? Will I still belong? Will I have what I need?
I know some of you look to me as inspiration for what’s possible when you figure out what you really want...
Have you ever wondered why it’s so damn hard to receive?
For some of us, receiving can make us feel like crawling under the bed
I’ve been having some conversations with clients in Radiance Collective, my six-month group coaching program, who have hugely impacted the lives of the people they work with and support.
As they close out chapters with these organizations, they’ve felt overwhelmed by the amount of genuine love and appreciation coming their way.
It can be physically painful to feel love. Why is that?
For those of us who didn’t get all of our needs for affection and love met by attuned empathetic caregivers growing up, love can actually feel unsafe, since it's unfamiliar.
If you’ve been hurt by somebody (which comes with the territory of being human, aka this is ALL of us) opening your heart to receive can feel like you’re opening yourself up to being hurt again.
A million different times in a million different ways we hold ourselves back from what we most want.
We say we don’t know what we want. If we only knew…we could do something about it.
We justify the path we’re on by saying this is what everyone else is doing, this is what we got our degree in, this is what our parents think is right, this must be it.
We get a glimmer of something that lights us up, a new possibility, a new idea that sends a little jolt of energy up our spine, but we say no, no our life is pretty good as it is, people like me don’t do that, I don’t want to risk it.
We actually get a really clear vision of our ideal life. We can see where we are, the people around us and what our life looks and feels like but we’re terrified of what people will think…she did whaaaat!?
Maybe we actually make the leap and try to make it happen right away but it doesn’t come together as easily and quickly as we wanted so we give up and...
My brain says you’ll hate me for this….and maybe you will! I can take that.
What I can’t take is women martyring themselves while claiming to be of service, making themselves small and denying their own needs in order to be liked and not make a scene.
We do not exist to prop up this f*cked system. To exist on breadcrumbs while we give and give and give, trying to keep our families, our schools, and the rest of it afloat.
Maybe it’s time we see what happens when we stop feeling responsible for holding it all together.
Maybe it’s time we take a stand for our own boundaries.
Boundaries = I know what I want and need and I am a stand for that.
Boundaries don’t prevent me from being generous.
Boundaries are actually what enable me to be generous.
If I don’t have boundaries, I’m not generous. I’m people pleasing, self-sacrificing and martyring myself while calling it generosity.
This is my story of owning what I desire to be paid for...
The day I traveled to Santa Fe to see my coach was one of those days when NOTHING was going my way…
Packing and getting to the airport felt stressful
I got a middle seat
I fucked up timezones and booked a shuttle to my hotel that left as our plane was
landing and had to spend $75 on a lyft
As we pulled into Santa Fe the air was brown with smoke from a pretty bad fire nearby
I was prepared for it to be smoky for my trip and for that to basically ruin all my plans.
On top of allll that I was paranoid that I was getting covid because a friend I had seen earlier that week tested positive and that would *really* ruin my plans.
So I did what any wellness oriented millennial would do, panic spent $80 at Whole Foods on coconut water and immunity boosting potions.
I walked into town for dinner wearing a mask because I had a headache from the smoke.
I tried to get into the flow and walk around downtown to find a restaurant we tried to go to last time I was here. But I couldn't find it...
I hosted my first women's circle about 10 years ago.
I printed a how to lead a new moon circle article I found on the internet and invited my roommates to join me in the living room.
We moved the coffee table and pushed back the chairs so there was room for us to all sit in a little circle on the floor.
We lit candles, meditated, and took turns sharing our intentions for the new moon while we dropped essential oils into a bowl of Epsom salts.
Once we set our intentions, we divided the fragrant bath salts into individual containers so we could each take a bath and quite literally soak in our intentions.
Do I think the bath salts are magic? Not exactly
Do I think they have power? Yes
When we take action with intention, miraculous things can occur.
Rituals like this speak to deeper parts of the brain than if we had just told ourselves—I want this thing to happen in the next two weeks.
When we get more of you, more of your brain, more of your body, onboard with your desires, they...
Are you a commitment-phobe when it comes to self care?
The language of commitment gets thrown around a lot in the personal development field, and it's never quite sat right with me.
Maybe that's because I'm a commitment-phobe and so are a lot of my clients
I hear people ask...
What are you committed to?
What would it look like to fully commit to your goals?
It's presented as if commitment is the only way to see change in your life.
But I don’t buy it. Hear me out
I was strategizing with a client this past week around what it’s going to take for her to start showing up for herself and she realized there was something about *committing* that wasn’t working for her
There are a few options at this point – blame yourself / blame the client - or - admit that there could be a different way and be open to co-creating that
When we checked in with her body, committing felt restrictive and contracted.
Committing clearly hadn't been working for her since she'd been...
Have you ever considered why you have the job you have?
Why you went to the school you went to?
Why you’re into the things you’re into — why those sports or those teams or those hobbies?
Why you have an affinity for the specific foods or cultures you are drawn to?
Or for me like why do I love otters so freaking much !?! jokes, but srsly I love them.
When I trace back so many of the pivotal “decisions” in my life they weren’t even really decisions; they were just things I fell into because they were the next natural step or what my parents or society expected of me.
I can’t even think of an example from my life before five years ago that I made consciously because I wanted to do it.
Which begs the question… who am I really? What do I want? What do I like? How do I know what I truly stand for and that I’m not just living someone else’s life?
I’ve done a lot of different things to try to figure that out —...