Do you ever hide because you’re afraid of failing?
Hide from your truth
Hide from your dreams
Hide from your potential
Hide from what’s meant for you
Even if you’re not consciously aware of doing this, maybe some part of you feels heard as you read these words
Yeah, me too
I’ve been hiding something from you and when I confessed to my coach this morning I realized I was hiding because I was afraid of failing...sound familiar?
There are so many sneaky ways our brain and body try to keep us safe from the potential pain of failure, and in so doing hold us back from what’s most meant for us
Now that I’ve realized I can survive the worst case failure scenario, I feel unblocked. Things feel clearer and I feel energized and ready to share this with you!
Once I confronted the fear I realized nothing was wrong, I was on the right track and everything’s okay.
Sometimes all we need is a safe enough space to check in with ourselves about what’s...
A couple weeks into one of my programs one brave woman will ask – why can’t I let myself feel good?
Like I know what I’m supposed to do to feel good and yet there’s this resistance I feel to actually letting myself relax, tune into pleasure, and get present with myself.
I love it when I get this question.
The core reason why we find it difficult to actually tune into pleasure in our lives is that we have all been conditioned to be productive.
It’s in the roots of our education system.
I was reading The Enchanted Life by Sharon Blackie in a book club with my friends. There was a chapter on enchantment, how we can find ways to connect to that sense of wonder and awe and engagement with the world that young kids have naturally.
There was a passage about our education system that just hit me in the chest.
It quoted a Stanford Department of Education professor (from my own alma mater!) talking about how our education system, at its core, is designed to turn...
Did you hear?
I made an uncomfortable decision to buy myself a new wallet and purse I had been salivating over.
It wasn't a logical decision. It was a desire-based decision.
My brain wanted to do the math and check my bank account and make sure this was "okay" to do.
My brain needed permission. My body knew exactly what she wanted.
But needless to say...we got the things!
But that's not even the good part...the good part is that as soon as I said yes to my desires, something happened.
Someone I hugely admire asked to join Pleasure as Medicine! AND two more people I've never met before emailed me inquiring about the program and my work and how I could support them.
This is real life!
So I'll say it again:
SAYING YES TO OUR DESIRES ISN'T SELFISH
SAYING YES TO OUR DESIRES HELPS US GROW AND EXPAND
SAYING YES TO OUR DESIRES MAKES ROOM FOR OTHERS TO DO THE SAME
I have to constantly remind myself that life isn't a zero sum game, it just isn't.
The fact that I bought myself a fancy new...
When I feel overwhelmed and have too much on my plate, I know my first instinct is to be hard on myself.
Maybe you can relate?
For so many of us independent women, our first instinct is to buckle down when things are hard.
For most of our lives we've learned that to succeed, we have to push and force our way through.
We have to be hard on ourselves in order to get where we want to go.
But what if there were another option?
What if by truly, deeply accepting yourself you'd be more free to not only enjoy your life, but also enjoy all the success you can imagine?
Accepting ourselves just as we are encodes the message that we deserve all the good things in our lives. It rewires whatever conditioning we’ve received from our life experience, family and society tells us we don’t deserve to feel good and be happy.
The more we build this loving connection, the more resilient, resourced and connected we will feel when navigating challenges in our lives. Because trust me, they will...
When did you learn that being productive and feeling good can't coexist?
Yesterday, as I was drinking my iced oat milk latte soaking up the sun on my fave coffee shop patio, I pulled out my journal to do my daily freewriting practice.
This is what I wrote:
“I’m afraid something inside me will internally combust if I try to combine work and pleasure”
After I examined and reframed this fear, I wrote:
“You're not going to internally combust – you're going to heal and it's going to be fucking beautiful.”
Pleasure just means feeling good. Who says we can’t feel good AND be productive!?!
I've been practicing and teaching pleasure-based living for three years now and this programming is still there, lurking.
You might think that because I got out of the tech rat race, I've healed all of my work issues and everything is easy for me now…
The truth is that I do work a lot less and I do experience more freedom, flexibility and fulfillment.
As modern day babes, we juggle a LOT.
Whether you’re working, studying, moming, hustling, side-gigging, caregiving or all of the above…
You need a way to come back to center and give yourself the care YOU need.
Maybe you get alone time, but it’s spent binge watching, scrolling the gram and mindlessly snacking.
We all numb out sometimes – I know I do.
And guess what? It’s okay.
It doesn’t matter if it’s been a hectic couple of hours or literally months or years since you can remember feeling present, content and connected with yourself.
You can start today, wherever you’re at.
You can choose to feel good.
Because the number one tool of a Pleasure Queen is choosing pleasure as often as you can.
And you’re in luck because today I’m sharing my 20 minute dance break pleasure as medicine turn upppp practice to jam along to in your PJs whenever and wherever you need a lil pleasure infusion!
If you're anything like me, you need a good scientific reason why you should do something.
Lucky for you I have a master’s in Integrative Health and can tell you exactly why you seriously need to start prioritizing pleasure ;) Buckle up buttercup, this is a long one!
1. Pleasure counters the effects of stress
Let’s be real. Life is hard sometimes. From work stress to planning for the future or caring for family – pleasure helps balance out all the toll stress can take on our body.
When you experience pleasure, a cascade of natural chemicals and hormones floods your system that not only feels amazing but literally helps heal chronic stress and fatigue.
The hormones released when we receive a comforting hug or massage (oxytocin) or enjoy sexual pleasure and/or a really good dance party ;) (oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin) are the exact chemical antidote to chronic stress (cortisol).
Oxytocin and dopamine down-regulate cortisol and reduce the toll of chronic stress on...
This is one of the most common questions I get – But Alyssaaa, why is it so hard to prioritize pleasure!? It should be easy...right? I meeeean this is pleasure we’re talking about here, not taxes!!
Listen, I get this question all the time so let’s take a breath, buckle up and go there.
Here are three factors that make pleasure so damn hard:
1. Our culture prizes productivity above all else
We have all been conditioned to be productive.
Our education system was literally designed with the goal of churning out efficient, reliable and productive workers. That is its objective.
It is not designed to make us happy.
It is not designed to help us find fulfillment.
It is not designed to help us heal, grow or evolve as full human beings.
It is designed to further capitalistic aims and fuel economic progress.
Read that again.
This value system instilled in our educational system is then reinforced in the workplace.
We’re expected to show up consistently everyday,...
Have you ever considered how much you actually like not feeling good?
I know it’s a bizarre question, but trust me it’s one worth investigating.
Humans are neurologically wired to focus on the negative, what's not working, what needs to be fixed (google negativity bias.) In fact, we spend inordinate amounts of time trying to solve problems that don't even exist!
This is partly what it is to be human and have this big ‘ole brain that's designed for SURVIVAL (aka problem solving and scanning for threats) vs THRIVING (aka actually enjoying life).
But this doesn't have to be your reality.
There are very practical strategies you can use to see the good, feel the good and actually let yourself take in the good.
Here's what I mean by taking in the good (or rather what I DON'T mean)...
Do you know someone who is rich but miserable?
Do you know someone who lives in the most beautiful place on earth but doesn't enjoy it?
Do you know someone or are you that someone who has...
Do you find yourself feeling exhausted and overwhelmed about everything on your plate?
In the spirit of undoing the burnout-inducing patterns of overworking and overgiving, I'm always asking myself how I can do less, while having more fun and creating a bigger impact.
I have a pink post-it on my desk that I look at everyday that asks me how I need to care for myself and how I need to show up for work that day. After I map that out, I ask myself:
How can I make this all feel more fun, safe, and pleasurable?
So many of us overachievers are driven by deep feelings of unworthiness, fear, doubt and complex emotional trauma that drives us to work harder because we learned early on that achievement was a way we could earn love.
It's healing to interrupt this pattern by creating a sense of safety, ease and pleasure as you work.
Curious how this works? Intrigued that I talk about pleasure and burnout in the same sentence?
Join us for the free workshop series Alive Again I’m leading next...