When was the last time you can remember feeling truly confident?
Paint the picture – where were you? what were you doing? what were you wearing? how did you feel?
It doesn't matter if it was last week or last decade, if you can remember a time when you felt truly in your power, comfortable in your own skin and in charge, you know what I mean when I say...
When you feel confident from the inside out, not because of praise or awards, something clicks inside
You feel more powerful than you've ever felt
You feel more free than you've ever felt
You feel more capable than you've ever felt
And you don't just feel this way, you actually are more powerful, free and capable when you deeply believe in and know your own strength!
When you feel confident from the inside out, you no longer have to play the game to work hard to get praise and get stuck in that cycle that sucks your soul and leaves you burnt out.
...but don't get me wrong, you *can* play the game, and you'll be a rockstar at...
I was asking myself this question after coaching amazing women this week who are killer bosses, tech leaders and rockstar moms but underneath they don't feel confident.
Why is it that the most successful among us are the least confident? Here's my take:
Every time you get accepted to a prestigious program or land the next promotion you get a quick confidence boost, but you end up feeling deflated when you find yourself at this next level surrounded by even more brilliant and successful people.
You start thinking: Who am I to be in this group? Am I worthy of this honor? Do I actually deserve to be here? And the unmistakable icky feeling of impostor syndrome sets in.
So what do you do? You work for the next quick hit of confidence!
You kill the next project, earn the gold star and get the recognition you crave to put your impostor syndrome at bay. But you know what happens next, don't you?
You end up right back where you were after that confidence boost wears off, still like an...
You're the big dreamer, the money maker, the mover and shaker. You're the cook, the cleaner, the teacher and the babysitter. You're the caregiver, the guide, the shoulder to lean on. And guess what?
You're burned the f out, spent, drained, lights gone out, going through the motions but your energy isn't in it.
But do you know what else I see?
Just under the surface, longing to be seen is the part of you that's infinitely powerful
The part of you that is VITAL and alive, even with the huge weight of stress and responsibility on you
The part of you that is WHOLE and perfect even with all the ways you feel broken and deficient
The part of you that is fiercely CONFIDENT even with all the self-doubt and criticism
The part of you that KNOWS exactly what you need to do to get what you want, even with all the confusion
Once you make space to connect with and empower THAT part of you, things will change in your life and there's no more effective way than in a dedicated 1:1...
Throughout my life, I've always felt like I've had to keep working, keep moving, keep doing one more thing. But that's also made it a struggle to chill the f out and enjoy my life.
Does this sound familiar? If so, this is for you!
You're driven, you're passionate and you want to do an excellent job at whatever you take on.
These are all amazing qualities, but you've probably already learned that they also make you waaay more likely to burnout.
Here's where your secret weapon comes in.
When you consciously choose to connect to yourself in a pleasurable way, you encode the message that you deserve to feel good.
When you continue to show-up and choose pleasure, you learn to prioritize yourself over all the other things that lead you to burnout, like over-achieving and over-giving.
You learn to put yourself first over all the other things you've been taught to prioritize.
Which means you can continue kicking ass and taking names, while sustaining your own energy.
Women are powerful and dangerous to the powers that be when connected to their bodies and erotic nature.
This is why my work is rooted in the body and dedicated to unwinding pernicious patriarchal patterns that lead us to perpetuate systems of oppression.
The same patterns that lead us to burn out are actually manifestations of white supremacy culture – more on that later this week!
As we continue to show up for change in our world, I cannot stress enough the importance of making space to 1) chill and rest and 2) actually feel pleasure and joy.
Choosing pleasure when everything else indicates you shouldn't – combined with taking action, of course – is the ultimate radical act, for all women but particularly for black and queer women whose identities intersect in increased layers of oppression. This is the origin of "intersectionality."
Audre Lorde, black lesbian activist and poet pictured below, wrote the essay Uses of the Erotic which was a big inspiration for me...
I know you're exhausted
I know you're overwhelmed
I know you're just trying to stay afloat
But trust me, this isn't how it ends
The thing is, beginnings often look a lot like ends
I know, trust me, I know IT CAN FEEL LIKE YOUR WORLD IS FALLING APART
And chances are, whether you identify as burned out right now, or not, I know you can identify with the feeling of the world as we once knew it ending.
So I ask you, what shifts when you approach this time as a new beginning rather than an ending?
IT'S TIME for reevaluation and big visions
IT'S TIME to decide what is most important
IT'S TIME to clarify our values and priorities
What shifts when you view burnout as a potent time of possibility?
IT'S AN OPPORTUNITY to finally put yourself first
IT'S AN OPPORTUNITY to recommit to your dreams
IT'S AN OPPORTUNITY to learn deep lessons that will transform the rest of your life
How are YOU choosing to view burnout or this current time?
Lemme know if you're with me!
If you're desiring to shift into...
Work doesn't have to be a grind — are you willing to believe?
Notice what that brings up for you, just hearing me say that.
I know some of you might fight me on this but it's my job to challenge you, to invite possibility and support the shift from possibility to reality.
What if being an adult didn't have to suck?
What if work didn't have to drain you?
What if work could feel supportive?
What if stress wasn't the enemy?
What if you could feel that elusive thing we call balance?
Yeah I know, I am sitting pretty after leaving the tech world, I don't have kids, I don't have many expenses, yadda yadda yadda.
There are A MILLION REASONS to believe this is possible for me but NOT FOR YOU.
Notice that disbelief in yourself and in what's possible for you.
I know a lot of you struggle with this and it's something that often comes up with clients.
FOR YEARS I THOUGHT I HAD NO CHOICE
I had a cushy salary, amazing benefits and unparalleled perks. How could I...
What does pleasure have to do with burnout? The answer is simple: EVERYTHING!
Many of us high-achieving perfectionist types experience resistance to pleasure. We think that we have to check everything off on to do list before we deserve pleasure.
How can I possibly think about feeling good when I have so many things to do!?!
I am here to remind you that you are worthy and deserving of pleasure no matter what. But trust me, I know how hard it can be to actually remember that and truly believe it!
When you consciously choose to connect to yourself in a pleasurable way, you encode the message that you deserve to feel good. When you continue to show-up and choose pleasure, you learn to prioritize yourself over all the other things that lead us to burnout, like overachieving and over-giving. You learn to put your own oxygen mask on before helping others.
But pleasure doesn’t just help prevent burnout by teaching us to prioritize ourselves, it also heals it. When you experience...
Wherever you are in the cycle of burnout right now, I hope that the steps I’m sharing today provide a sense of direction and inspire hope that you can once again feel vital, alive and lit up by life.
Today we’re getting into the second half of the six steps. These are the real deal inner work you have to do if you don’t want to spend the rest of your life feeling burnt out. If you didn’t catch the previous post in this series, here’re the first three steps:
Without further ado, let’s get into the rest of the six steps.
Step 4: Worthiness no matter what
Full-disclosure: Separating our self-worth from our productivity is real hard, especially for high-achievers. Lemme tell you why. Most of us are trained from birth that how much love, support, and praise we get is conditional on how well we achieve and perform. Our school systems, our parenting strategies and...
Last week I shared the reason why burnout hits women hardest (tl;dr patriarchy). And as I was writing out the six steps to end this cycle of burnout I realized it was A LOT.
So I decided to just share the first three steps this week and the last three next week.
Before we dive in, I want to remind you that the end-goal here is sooo much more than just not burning out. It's about recovering aliveness, joy, and energy. It's about rekindling your enthusiasm and passion for life. It's about truly living the biggest, fullest, most wholehearted life possible.
So let's get into it, shall we?
1. Reconnect to your body
The hectic pace of modern society and value we place on intellectualism and logic keeps us in our heads most of the day.
Right now, take a deep breath into your belly. How does that feel? Are you aware of sensations in your body that you weren't aware of before? If so, you were probably just stuck in your head until I reminded you to breathe!...